crappy epiphany

I had an epiphany in the past hour or so.

I've spoken before of how sex isn't real to me. I think I explained it badly back then and I'll struggle similarly now. When I think of my friends having sex... well, I can't. I simply can't imagine it. The two elements are so distinct in my mind that I just can't envisage it happening. Even when they talk about it. Doesn't matter how much detail they use, the them-ness of the sex-having-them (sometimes I wish I spoke German) simply isn't there. It's just a description of sex, distinct from the person involved.

This is weird, I know, but what can you do.

Anyway, I noticed again this evening the separation of these two and it got me thinking. As you'd be aware, I'm constantly on the look-out for a girlfriend. You know how it is, you desperately seek the love of your life, blaming Hugh Grant for your unrealistic expectations. But that, I now realise, doesn't have to be mutually exclusive with a friends-with-benefits arrangement.

I have always been, I think it's safe to say, fairly conservative when it comes to sex. I've always been accepting of sex-for-the-sake-of-sex with others, I've been a strident defender of the legitimacy of female sexual desire, I've even advised in favour of these arrangements. Of course, I've never been comfortable with them for myself. Tonight I realised: there's no reason for that. The relationship of two consenting adults is their business. If they want to carry on a sexual relationship without worrying about love, that's their business.

I think this arose from my old standard, I'm not interested in sex. People don't believe it when I say it but it's true. However, I now realise that even though I'm not interested, I would be open to the idea. Also, maybe I'm a little bit interested in a friends-with-benefits arrangement, primarily as an educational tool. I lack quite as much experience as others I know so it'd be great to bone up (deliberate and terrible, yes to both) on it a bit. That's not going to preclude my search for my One True Partner.

Insanity. Next thing you know I'll be going to strip clubs.

I think I may actually have thought (and blogged) a similar sentiment before. Hmmm.