Sunday 28 February 2010

gilmore girls on a saturday night

I love this episode of Gilmore Girls. The one where they have the CSPAN-broadcast speech (I refer to it as the debate episode in reference to the west wing episode).

Here be spoilers.

When Paris cracks... some days that's just what I want to do. Frequently, in fact. Scream to the world "fuck you, I don't deserve this!" I've said this before... somewhere else in my blog. A year or more ago. More, definitely. It's magnificent. Sometimes that's just what needs to be said.

Not expressing myself well tonight. But seriously, sometimes it's hard to believe this isn't just some cosmic joke.

Friday 26 February 2010


Can I just mention how funny it is that this blog is subtitled "just another sterradian in the blogosphere"? That's really a great joke.

Better even than how I'm ordering pizza as Geoff Kennett.

Thursday 25 February 2010

my day

My day today was just a sequence of unhappy.

I woke up too early.

I took a shower and had a bit of a cry about my dead dad.

I got on the early bus to work. It was crowded so I had to stand up the whole way.

I was in town early enough to have breakfast. I spilt bbq sauce down my (beige) trousers and the food was rubbish anyway - undercooked frozen scrambled egg. Still frozen in parts.

I got to work and budgets are on the agenda, again. Yay budgets. Two hours later we've redone what I did originally but this time with the data rearranged in a way that prohibits the use of metadata and limits our capacity to easily modify variables or presentation. And so what? It's all going to be printed anyway and any changes tasked to me.

Of course we'll then have to go through it in detail because preparing budgets is above my pay grade. Despite that my boss knowns nothing about the budget and I know it all. That I get asked about my collegue's pay rates. Good thing I know how to do a payroll enquiry through the finance system. Don't worry, it's not a breach of privacy. I can only find out the salaries of people in my unit.

Speaking of pay grade, that level we discussed? Think lower. And the position is still subject to confirmation. And that training we discussed? I don't know if we can provide it. The assumption is I'm fine though, because doing things I know nothing about is my specialty.

I tried to corrall some debating teams today, did all bar one. The only comment is that I should also call the other one.

And the other staff have heard my call for fixing our financial management system! They're going to make one up, without consulting me. The system I have in mind and have been talking about for a year probably isn't worth considering anyway.

I also was thanked for flowers I contributed too. Would've been less awkward if I knew we were buying flowers for my boss' wife because her mum died. I was in the mood to hear about sitting with the body until the ambulance arrived though, so that's good.

I think I may have missed the phone call about my failure to push a third party hard enough to get something done, despite I was assured it'd be done monday. Third party blames me too though so I guess I'm just a failure.

The call came to my mobile in the middle of an informal meeting with my boss. I ignored it the first two times but took it, with permission, the third. "It's ok to do that when it's just us but your phone did vibrate yesterday during our Important Meeting so leave it at your desk next time". Thanks for that, it wasn't belittling at all.

At about five o'clock I had enough so I took my dad's death certificate (which had been hanging around my office) and left. I got as far as the park across the road before sitting down, taking off my glasses and doing a very good job of not crying. I researched usb relays instead.

After that all I got told I was clearly in no state to do anything useful and should go home. (I know that's not what you said but that's how I'm going to tell it because that's how it made me feel. My sociopathy is failing me).

I got on the bus, didn't sit next to the pretty girl, and now I'm at the park near my house creepily watching kids and every now and then checking that my dad's death certificate is still there. It is.

Monday 22 February 2010

i feel like that guy in the end of spaceballs. "oh no, not again"

I'm no good with people. This morning I struggled with mod_rewrite. Maybe I can join a cult and live in silent piousness forever?

insanity is setting in

Tonight my head feels smaller than my hands. I feel small. And I feel like no matter how much I want it not to be, life will involve nothing but settling for that which I can tolerate.

Maybe not. Maybe I'll find purpose in kids or something. There's only so much good to reproduction though.