I keep forgetting things. I used to absorb information. Now I forget things that are said even when they're really fucking important. Troublesome. I hate it. I feel like Algernon or whatever. I'm losing my goodness. My mind, which is all I have. Fuck. It could be my binge drinking and drug taking but... I dunno.
I am anxty much. Same as always.
Fuck.
The whole point of this blog was so I could talk about things I don't admit to except while drunk. So while drunk, here's an admission. First, I cut my toenails today. I love cutting my toenails. I love it more than almost anything else in the whole world. Fingernail cutting just feels weird, but when I cut my toenails, it's so SATISFYING. Massive quantities of nail which take substantial force to remove can be ... removed. I let my toenails grow specifically so cutting them will be more fun. Freaky or what? Pretty freaky. That was actually my postsecret, that cutting my toenails was more satisfying than any orgasm I'd ever had. Possibly hyperbole, but I don't want to actually make a direct comparison, because I'm afraid of the answer. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about. I was going to talk about pornography. See, I occasionally look at pornography. But it's very occasional and never satisfying (though I do like a good story with intrigue, good characters, plot development and the occasional bit o' sex). But I ... I just get bored with life. Massively bored. Like... I want to do something, something important, meaningful, interesting, fun, exciting. Something that's not administrative law or more fucking website coding. So I turn to something 'naughty' - pornography. And it bores me to and I'm not interested and I'm left in the same position as before but with guilt and a browser history to reinforce it [for clarity, I do know how to clear my browser history, so don't worry about that]. This is the state of my life, often. Trying to fill my lack-of-friends(-with-whom-I-spend-all-my-time) void with porn. Not a great idea, even for me.
I was thinking about disabling comments but fuckit.
I always seem to get drunk at home these days. It's not good. But having to drive causes all sorts of problems.
And I'm not drunk enough to tell (girl) that (thing). So you see the trouble.
Also, admin assignment due monday. Bugger.
Also also, I wish I was a punk rock girl with flowers in my hair.
I like being drunk. I like how I feel, how I can talk, how free I am. I like how other people treat me. I think I'll drink more. If only I didn't have to drive so much...
I won poker today. $35 and 14 HobSOP points. Main event is Sunday and I plan to win that too :P.
Watching Love Actually at the moment. Hugh Grant is dancing. I love it.
I love romantic comedies.
Vodka really does go to the head.
We've been seeing a lot of that drunk label recently.
The trouble with Tuesday is similar to Monday, but without the Hugh Grant. Instead it's just drinking.
I broke up with Nikky today. Consensus is: good move. I agree. I just like drinking.
I bought orange juice today too. So I have vodka and orange juice and water-that-used-to-be-ice and tiredness and too much chocolate and I was drinking it with a dropper that was to be used for bushflower essences. It's hot and I'm not in the mood but it's important that I drink weehee. I should put down my timetable properly. Like, in goooogle calendar n' stuff.
"Firefox" is not in the English (UK) dictionary for Firefox. Amusing, no? I think so.
I'm not even drunk at all. Just tired and sugar high. And wanting something more out of life. I get to complain again about not having a girlfriend. Yay! What better bitching is there, honestly?
The great trouble with Monday is that it would be terribly impolite to text someone right now, even to tell them that I am watching Four Weddings and a Funeral and drinking vodka and laughing but now crying because it's that bit of the movie and it always does that to me, even pre-emptively, not to mention the poem, that poem...
But it makes me want to pursue true love. Because that's what they do. Through any and all odds, over years. Learning sign language just to talk to someone you might like.
But Garrath is who I love, of course. Because his character does nothing but love life. He dances - he really dances! He's passionate about dancing, he does it for pure enjoyment. He doesn't care at all how he dances, he just loves it.
And as I type now he is dying on the screen, and it causes me to cry. I know what will happen. I can pre-empt the rest of this and it will just make me cry more, I know it.
Not drunk per se, but have had more than one drink.