my mind haunts me

Ok, here's what I don't get.

I finally went to bed, I read for while, got up and watched two episodes of Daria, then went to bed again. I read a little bit more, went to sleep. I was pretty certainly depressed.

So would somebody please find the source for the following dream.

I was with a whole bunch of people and we were watching the Boston Pops Orchestra. I have never seen the Orchestra, but it's fairly clear that's who we were watching. We were moved from the stalls to the gallery (along with everyone else) for no apparent reason. For equally no reason, the gallery closely resembled the public gallery of Committee Room 1 at Australian Parliament House. I sat next to a girl we've seen before. We giggled together, started holding hands... you can see where this is going. In this instance to sex by everyone's definition (except Bill Clinton's). Which still doesn't necessarily imply the right thing. Probably reverse what you're thinking. And if you weren't around to know the details of the Clinton impeachment then you're too young to know what I'm saying anyway! Why, back when I was your age, Pluto was a planet! Of course, if you're smart enough to check Wikipedia and read about an interesting time in US political history then you can know. But you have to learn before you know. I'm like an incentivising teacher.

Anyway, there are a few interesting questions. The first is why I had a dream pertaining to sex at all. No consideration of it had taken place recently, no discussion, nothing on TV. I don't think I'd even emptied my spam folder. The second question is why her? I mean, don't get me wrong, she's someone with whom I would, if provided an opportunity, undertake these activities, but I lack any current obsession, even with her. Regardless, I never have these dreams about people with whom I'm obsessed. As anonymous said, they're always with the wrong person. Except they're not, because I would never say she were the wrong person. It's just very strange. And two such dreams without an intervening similarly-themed dream about another? Perhaps it's just that whenever I dream of her it always leads to this. Again an absurdity, but with a sample size of two it's very difficult to know. I'm really quite confused.

Two untriggered sex dreams about the same person, two weeks apart. This must be love, right?

how things change

Before we begin I'd like to mention a very high pitched noise I'm hearing as a result of having plugged in my phone. I'd also like to say briefly that I bruised my toe.

When I was younger I had no sense of humour. I appreciated wit but I didn't find it funny. I would read Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams books and not laugh. Seriously. I loved and understood them, I just... I just didn't see them as funny. They were just good stories. And so it was that I didn't laugh when reading the Adrian Mole stories. I didn't see them as funny, I just saw them as a description of life. I quite liked them. They were educative. I'm still quite a fan of the Secret Diaries of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4. A great book. But never one that I've seen as funny. Only some years after reading them (between when I was aged twelve and when I was aged fifteen I read them) did I read the blurb which elucidated the humour. And I see why people would find them funny. But they're not funny at all, really. They're just... real life. Or a life, at least.

Thanks to someone's blog entry I was reminded of this recently. I was specifically reminded of a time Adrian and his girlfriend break up because she won't show him one of her breasts. So he dumps her. He was fifteen by this stage, I think. (One of the reasons I found it so real is because when you're that age everything that's so humorous really is just as important as the book makes it out to be). Everybody in his class is talking about their sexual escapades and how one particular girl will have sex with anyone for four shillings and a pound of grapes (or something like that; some money and a pound of grapes). So he gets one of his friends to arrange a date with him and this girl. They go to a roller-skating rink and he wears his PE shorts because they're all he has that matches his friend's description of what people wear on dates. He takes her the pound of grapes and is unceremoniously rejected, then ridiculed for bringing grapes, since she has no idea why she'd want them.

Interestingly, I was once Adrian. Not necessarily Adrian Mole but I was called Adrian as part of an internet pseudo-relationship stalking thing that happened a few years back. Well, last year. Beginning of 2006. Crazy, crazy times. And my name was Adrian because that's what happened. And the more I think about it the more Adrianish I am. But then again other friends have said there's no Adrian to me at all. Quite possibly true too.

I'd like to move on now to a completely different topic. Conversations. I don't start them, because I don't like to be rejected. Especially on MSN. I also fear the rejection of text message or email communications where I send the last message and get no reply. It has to happen eventually but there's inevitably no "goodbye" message. So it's one of those "you hang up first" things. I'm disheartened by how often I send the last message. It could be because I always reply even when totally unnecessary but ... I don't know. It's just disappointing that I want to talk to them more than they want to talk to me. It makes me feel reliant. Like I'm being their friend and they really don't want me around. I know it's stupid - I know that, but I still feel it sometimes, to some small degree.

Sigh.

untitled, of course

I just added 22 ljsecrets to secrets.blue.org.au.

I am the ubernerd.

I am a whining emo bitch.

my life

Hockey Tasmania is a fairly large organisation. They are pretty important - they had the Premier open their new gagillion dollar stadium just yesterday. Sure, they're not quite as big as the YMCA, who also hired me to do a website, on whom I also defaulted, but they're fairly big. I woke up this morning and decided to get this website done. It would only take a day of dedicated work.

I've been up for two hours now. I have the Powderfinger song Baby I've Got You On My Mind stuck in my head. I also kind of have a person on my mind, but that's not the thing.

I've spent this morning updating secrets.blue.org.au and looking at ljsecret because the new PostSecrets aren't up yet.

All this does is depress me. That's not true. It depresses me and makes me yearn, desire, want, need something more. All those things that I don't have.

I've got one. A secret. It's on my blue site, somewhere. First one to find it doesn't really learn anything. This one broke my heart.

There are 371 secrets currently archived. 24mb-odd.