Saturday, 17 February 2007

another bad thing

Today Nikky came over. She brought KFC that I had asked for but didn't need. Following the feast, we retired to my room to watch Night at the Museum. Then we had sex. We finished watching the movie (because, of course, sex had interrupted) and then she left. Then there was a storm and a powercut and I played cards and I watched house.

I'd like to concentrate on the sex. Please, feel free to skip this entire entry if that bothers you. Sex has never held a particular allure for me. The unbelievable asexuality I expressed, to be surely cured by sex, has not been cured. Sure, it's fun, but it's not worth the mess or effort or secrecy (not that there's really much of a secret, clearly). I just... it's just not important. Sally once suggested that this might just be Nikky but I don't know. I'm entirely uncertain, not having a great deal of experience of sex with people other than Nikky. Indeed, I think I've had no such experience. Curiously, I feel the same need as everyone to ejaculate once in a while (though I guess it's a slightly different, though in many ways similar need for girls) but there's no real desire for sex in me. I just don't care. It does provide something though, which is nice. And there's a certain feeling lying there hugging someone afterwards that brings to mind a lyric: closed eye watching me, listening. The lyric is from R.E.M.'s At My Most Beautiful, one of the greatest love songs ever, in my incredibly humble opinion. Reminds me still, sometimes, of Canberra, thinking of Clara... was ever THAT a long time ago. Anyway, the point here is that sex sucks but doesn't suck enough to make me stop doing it, or even starting it once in a while.

But today was different. Today really did suck. Well, not really, but... there was nothing. No enjoyment at all. There was ejaculation, but that's not exactly the same. I don't know if this is a symptom of depression or something more sinister: me finally deciding that I don't love Nikky at all and can't stand to be around her and her terrible taste in movies. Not to mention the fact that she has only four CDs in her car, one of which is the Oops I Did It Again bumper disc from Brittany Spears. Took me so long to figure out how to spell that. But worse than merely having that CD, she listens to it, regularly. And voluntarily, apparently.

I'm sorry for dragging you all through this. I'd regret writing this but it's something I want to talk about, but this isn't the sort of thing you start a conversation with, is it?

I don't know what to do with myself.

Oh yeah, one other thing. Nikky called me "Bunky" today. She's never done that before. It's an old, old nickname of mine, abandoned around the end of 2001 if I recall correctly. I'm curious as to where she found it and why she's using it.

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