Monday 19 March 2007

my own little insanity

I slept for thirteen hours last night, possibly more. I went to bed at sixish with a migraine and woke up naturally at seven thirty. I had a strange dream. In said dream I was living in the same house as everyone mentioned (of course) and they had to go through my room to get anywhere (of course). I had just dumped Nikky. I became friendly with another girl (named, but not who you - or I - would think) and we lay together in my bed, clothed and hugged and kissed a little bit and then Nikky came in and got really, really angry and girl got angry at me for taking advantage of her and it was horrible. So then time passed and I found myself back in my bed but this time with girl's boyfriend (also someone I know) and kissing him. And then the dream turned into something else.

This dream has a curious meaning. Either I desperately want to be near to girl, however I can be; or I'm actually gay and don't know it; or I'm discovering my bisexuality; or I feel unable to even think about going out with someone else because it'd annoy Nikky, unless I was gay; or it's just a weird dream and I shouldn't eat so much raw MSG. Who knows.

In other news, it's occurred to me how puerile (is that how you spell it? immature anyway) this blog and my life are. Secret codes and little clubs all to talk about who I like. It's very grade three. Or six or seven or whatever. It's surely not what twenty-odd-year-olds do with their time. It's not like it's fun. It's just childish. Reading PostSecrets and keeping two diaries and encrypting messages. Being jealous of others for no apparent reason.

Here's a secret: I still feel all weird and look away when people kiss in movies. I mean, Jesus, I should be over that at least by now. That I've actually done that and more with another person is something that freaks me out a little bit. But how insane is that? Is this a fear of intimacy? Well, it's not a fear. It's just... I don't know what it is. It's me being weird.

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